Saved

 

 

 

Dallin turned 12 last month. His twelfth birthday was a hard one for me. It's a big deal to turn 12 when you're LDS, it's a right of passage into being a young woman or a young man. The older Dallin gets, the starker the contrast between his developmental age and his body's age which matures whether or not his mind is ready.

 

Today's sacrament meeting brought those contrasts to a head.  Just as the passing of the sacrament started Dallin decided to get irked over his desire to eat all the cookies that I had brought for my primary class.  As I was trying to decide whether his outburst was serious enough for me to take him out of the meeting, a deacon handed me the sacrament tray. The disparity between Dallin's behavior and that of this reverent deacon was a little too much for me to handle.

 

I fought back the tears as I took the sacrament. The  dreaded "nevers" started to come to my mind in a steady stream.  "He's never going to pass the sacrament to me like that. He's never going to have the priesthood. He's never going to bless the sacrament. He's never going to go on a mission. He's never going to. . ."  My thoughts were cut short as Dallin's frustration peaked again and I had to escort him out of the chapel.

 

I took Dallin into the foyer and sat with him on the sofa. I explained why he couldn't have the cookies and he seemed to understand. His body relaxed next to mine and he let me hold his hand. And then those whisperings came. The kind of whispers that you know are not your own thoughts. The whispers that shock you into the understanding that your Father sees your needs before you even ask. The whispers that soften you and push into your broken heart. They said, "He is already saved. He doesn't need those experiences like the other boys do."

 

And then I felt the gentle chastising of the spirit helping me to realize that I was being selfish. I wasn't really mourning for Dallin and the experiences that he wouldn't have. I was mourning for myself and the experiences I would never have. Dallin's spirit isn't autistic, just his body. For reasons I don't understand his spirit doesn't need the same kind of refining that those other boys' spirits do.

 

That's not to say it doesn't need refining at all. I've heard it said that kids with special needs get a "free pass" into Heaven. But it's not free. I know Dallin's life isn't easy for him. He has to make it through mortality trapped in a body that doesn't work like it should and that is anything but easy.  Maybe that's the answer of it all - that where much is required much is given. I'm grateful for the little bit of light that I was blessed with today, to know that for all he endures he is already saved.